You have smiled for the last time muffin!

Well I guess I saw it coming.

Kuwait was when I first noticed it. An introverted soul, quite content to sit alone and enjoy its own company. I probably should have confronted it then, made it aware that it was most unwelcome. But I didn't. It had chosen its time well, stepping into my life when I was most jovial, happy and distracted by being in another country. Like many cancers in its early stages, it was mostly asymptomatic with very few upheavals to remind me of its presence.

Until today.

I woke up early as I usually did. Carried on with my morning routine as I have everyday. Started to get ready for work. Everything was all in order.

Then I put on my work pants. No wait. I tried to put on my black work pants only to find that there was alot of huffing, puffing, jumping and squeezing. I definitely do not remember that as being part of my usual daily routine.

I also did not remember this...

Yes. You saw right. A muffin. Just the top. A muffin top.

Call it what you like, beer gut, jelly rolls, donut, tyre, chubba but we all know what it is. It is a muffin top. This immediately spurred me into action. Some Jamie Eason action. A 3 month body building program designed to search and destroy smiley face muffin tops. Some people think I am being pedantic, 'Oh it's not so bad, it's cute'. But I know better. Give it time and this little sneaky bugger will consume your entire midsection and become somewhat like the blob and let me tell you this, blobs do not have such a cute smiley face. Infact, they don't even have a face.

See? AND they also consume cars too apparently, not just your midsection.

According to the Australian longitudinal study on women's health, women are putting on an average of 649g per year. So for me, I am 23 years away from being overweight should I let this cute muffin top continue to smile at the rate it is smiling. It seems such a miniscule amount over a 12 month period which is why we often just let it go. But then 1 year becomes 2, then 3, then 4 and before you know it...well just you take a good look at that blob. I'm sure it was a healthy weight once.

Do you still think I'm being pedantic? I think not.

So the Jamie Eason plan can be found online at bodybuilding.com. It not only details a 3 month gym routine but a sensible eating plan too. Something along the lines of eating 6 meals a day. There are many other fitness routines, healthy eating tips and even recipes that can be found on this website. All of this for free. You can decide what will best meet your lifestyle demands. I will definitely keep you updated on my falls and triumphs with the Jamie Eason program in the upcoming weeks.

We all need to take care of ourselves people! That means saying no to the muffin!

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Addiction. Actually, make that addictions...

I would say that I have an addictive personality. The "Do you have an addictive personality?" test, run by okcupid, said so.That cute little cyber cupid looked like he knew his stuff. So it must be true. I mean who else can get away with flying around naked all the time while shooting arrows at everybody's butt?

There have been many addictions in my life. Some good, many bad. Duration averaging at least a month with some still ongoing.

Not so long ago it was cadbury's marvelous creations chocolate. The jelly candy popping one.

 

Before that it was protein bars.

A one month trip to Vietnam saw me eating red rice chicken everyday. Twice a day. Sometimes three.

For as long as I can remember, it had to be spaghetti bolognaise, until I gave up meat that is.

Then there was a time I could not see past hot delicious chips. What am I talking about?! This is an addiction still raging strong.

Oh and then bloody warburton crisps walked into my life. If you are in England reading this, get the salt and pepper pita variety. If you are in Birmingham reading this, you can find them at Selly oak Sainsburys, 3rd aisle from the end. You might be lucky and find that they are still selling two big packets for 2 pounds. Get in there and stock up.

 

But it hasn't always been about food.

For ten years I have been addicted to exercising every single day. Different fitness regimes with spin being the latest craze. Oh and the iphone games like draw something and words with friends, can't forget that. I even used to be addicted to sucking my finger until a very old age. What?! Don't judge me.

So what is my latest addiction? Well I know a picture is worth a thousand words but a video is a million times better!

 

 

 

Black listed

"You are on our black list, you are actually banned from using our services"

The silence that met the room was deafening. I swear I heard the lady behind me take a sharp inward breath of air. I felt like all eyes were now focused on me as I stood at the desk. All waiting for my response.

Blacklisted. Wow. What comes to your mind when you hear that word?

Banned. Criminal. Terrible. Bad person. My overactive imagination went hay wire. I could actually picture men dressed in tuxedos and women wearing elegant gowns, each holding a glass of champagne, peering down through their spectacles at me. I could even hear what they were saying to one another;

"Oh she's one of those people, wouldn't want to associate with her my dear".

"Imagine that! How could she commit such an atrocity!"

"Well I certainly would have never allowed that to happen in my time!"

"How could her mother allow her to do such a thing!?"

"Presposterous!"

All this flashed through my mind in a instant.

"Ahem" I cleared my throat. "Um..."

I could feel everyone lean in closer to hear how I could possibly justify my situation.

"Well um, are you sure that that is my information you have there?"

"Well I have input your information on to the system exactly as it is written here on your passport".

The lady was now looking very hard at me.

"Oh of course. Yep. That's me of course. Can't hide from that picture. Ha ha..." I finished off lamely.

I was met with total silence.

So I asked her what the crime was.

The victims?

2 borrowed books. Books that I have never met in my life.

The crime?

Outstanding since 2001 on my library card. How could this have happened?

The punishment?

$32.15 and a stern lecture about how books have feelings too. She didn't really say this. I just added that bit.

But I did get a stern lecture.The worst was doing the walk of shame past those goody two shoes who returned all their books on time. I wanted to tell them to suck it.

Needless to say, I was very embarrased. I didn't know black lists existed at a library, so be wary if you plan to borrow a book. It's public property, don't you know?

I think if Australia permitted the death penalty, the librarians would have ruled for the execution of my library card.

But until then, no book is safe from me.

They could have at least said thank you

I was expecting a team of police and a couple of important looking guys in casual stylish suits when I arrived at my house. 'Forensic team' they called themselves. I was disappointed when I discovered a short, overweight balding police officer waiting at the front of my house. Where was Ice-T? or Detective Tutuola, I should say.

"Is this where they gained access in to your property?"

He also didn't have an american accent either. Double disappointed.

Sigh.

I guess I should start from the beginning.

I had arrived home early evening yesterday after a tiring day from work, excited about my night ahead. Rental movies, white wine and skype with the yankee doodle. Perfect.

Gosh mum and dad are so careless. They have left all the bloody lights on!

I walked in to their room to turn the light off.

There were clothes every where. Everything had been emptied from the cupboards. Drawers had been ripped out. Not a bit of carpet was visible underneath all their belongings.

Wow. Either my parents were in some serious rush while packing for the short trip to Singapore or we had just been robbed. My immediate thought was to run to my room to check what had been taken but I paused in the hallway.

What if someone was still here?

Sensible Minh had finally arrived. I called the cops instead.

I was numb when I first saw my room, I was furious when I discovered that my lap top had been taken and I broke down when I realized that they had eaten my last chocolate bar that I had been saving for a snack. The empty wrapper was mocking me.

'I've just dusted a few of the places that may have been touched, but it can all easily be wiped off. You try and have a nice day today' said the one-man forensic team as he left my house.

There were no fingerprints to be found, besides ours of course. What dumbass robber would NOT wear gloves. I did a scan of the damage done. Why couldn't they have been a tiny bit neater?

It took a long time before I agreed to stay with one of my best friends the night of the robbery. Apparently my fool proof plan of using my umbrella as a weapon and securing of my room door with a chair was not enough to convince yankee doodle that I would be safe at home alone.

"...and babe don't forget that I have two cans of hair spray here on my bedside table. I have shaken them up so that they're ready for some action!"

Yankee doodle remained unconvinced.

I mean, it is not like I was trying to be a hero or anything like that, I just want to be in my own home and in my own bed. I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I can't be safe here.

I guess I was really just angry at first. Not only did they take valuable and some very sentimental items, they left me with a house turned upside down and tons of police and insurance paperwork.

An inconvenience that I did not need.

I have to keep reminding myself that at the end of the day it is only material goods.

I know that there are many reasons and motivations for a person to steal. Easy money, easy acquirement of valuable items, a call for attention...the list goes on. But what I don't understand is how burglars can justify to themselves that it is ok to take something that was hard earned by somebody else. At what stage did it become ok to go through other peoples personal and private items and then have it scattered around and stepped on like it means nothing? I really don't know, but I am certain that it cannot have stemmed from a good place.

So yes. I did lose my lap top. I did lose alot of cash. I did lose my jewelry with so much sentimental value attached. But hey, I have the capacity to make back what I lost and my laptop could do with an upgrade anyway. I just truly hope that what they did take from us helped them in the end and I hope for their sake that they will find another path that is more acceptable by society. I mean, it must have to eat at you somewhere, no matter the size of your conscience. Repeated sneaking around, watching your steps, the number of family pictures and personal items you come across and knowing that that is who you are stealing from - it has to soften you sooner or later.

So I really am not angry anymore, I am more annoyed that I have to clean up their mess and then soon deal with stingy insurance companies.

Geeeez.

They could have at least said thank you.